Long Journeys Back Home

The DIstances Betwen Us

2011-08-18T15:49:00.000-07:00

I regularly find myself wishing that I could spend more time with my family, but with my sister back east and my parents to far away for regular day trips it is difficult to make that happen. With all of us being busy, them more than me, it is even hard to catch up on the phone as much as I would like. This has been troubling for me over the past year as I feel like I have been working through a lot of personal stuff and weekly catch-ups on the phone have not lent themselves to having serious personal conversations with my parents. It frustrates me that I have not been able to make them a bigger part of all that I have been going through, and I have been feeling more and more that it goes against nature to be removed from family, physically or in any other way. In a more real way it feels like not being close with my family, geographically and personally, is in direct conflict with some natural need within me.

Though I have always missed my family, this yearning to be close to them and connect with them is new. I would not say that I am an entirely different person but my perspective and in turn my behavior and feelings have changed significantly over the past year. One thing that I am proud to say is that I feel more secure and hopeful about my life and more confident in standing up for what I believe in and for the person that I am. Along with this small victory I have found that insecurities and hangups that have plagued many situations in the past no longer come up. This is great progress for me but is in a way a double-edged sword because instead my regular negative assumptions kicking in and setting off my old patterns, I am left to decide what to do and how to feel. In some cases this has been really helpful however a lot of the time I find myself on new ground, approaching situations from a fresh perspective but having to negotiate many things as if it were my first time. Though it is wonderful to not be so bogged down by predictable hangups it is often very unsettling to feel as though I am negotiating each moment anew and I sometimes find myself shying away from opportunities for emotional vulnerability out of fear of the unknown.

I am finding, however, that with a fresh and unhindered approach to life I have more trust and hope in my interactions as well as more faith that people, and the future in general, will bring positive things into my life. Along with this perspective has come a greater desire to share my life with others, to bring people into it and to converse and connect genuinely. With my hangups of the past falling away I feel the potential for connection with others growing by the day and I feel the pull to make those connections as though it was second nature. I want to fill my life with people because that is what makes it feel more full and I feel that connection is the source of joy in life. This applies doubly to my family and along with my expanding openness and comfort, my drive to bring them into my life grows as well.

Because there is not much that I can do about the fact that we don't get much time together I want to make it one of my goals to make the best of the time I do get. Conversations and visits...I will try to make them count and be as present and open as I can.

Conversations With Invisible People

2011-03-18T18:43:00.000-07:00

The town I live in has a well known transient and homeless population. It is prevalent enough that if you spend any time at all out in public you are bound to interact with people that are living on the streets and in encampments just trying to get by. If you go beyond the typical reaction of avoidance and don't allow yourself to explain these peoples lives away with character judgments and denial the truth of the lives they are living becomes very simple, they are destitute. Everyone has a different opinion about and reaction to vagrancy, my reaction is frustration. I like to allow my vision of what is possible to be unrestrained and as such I don't see why people must live in such a way, given the vast resources of this world and of the human race.

I work at a restaurant and even though we are not a fancy establishment by any means the excess of the industry is still recognizable. Many of our simple menu items are made daily and without preservatives so at the end of the day there are certain things like soup and rice that we must throw out. I pass through many corridors on my bike on the way home from work where homeless people sleep so I began to take the excesses for them to eat. I felt very hesitant at first because you never know how people are going to react and I didn't want to be insulting so the first few times I just left the food and took off. People always said thank you and seemed grateful...eventually I would stop for a while and chat with people.

On several occasions I have had long and in depth conversations with people that live on the streets or in the woods here. The hard thing to get over and what I think makes interacting with them uncomfortable is that you really feel that you are from separate worlds. You instantly become aware of the comforts and securities of your life and it is impossible not to simultaneously acknowledge the chaos and uncertainty of theirs. These are hard realities to hold in one's mind simultaneously without a profound emotional reaction. From people on the streets that I have talked to, I have gotten the sense that just being acknowledged by someone from 'our world' is in and of itself of great value and most people are glad to tell their story and to have it heard. The hardest part about stopping to have a conversation with someone that is destitute is returning to your own life with their struggle and suffering fresh in your mind; I would like to say that those interactions have made me grateful for the things I have but my undying tenancy toward compassion leaves me with more guilt than anything.

I lead a life of relatively simple means and I am so blessed to have the support of so many friends and of my family. It is easy for me to imagine that without that kind of help, which many people do not have, my path to homelessness would not be that long. If I lost my job or my place to live I have not credit and no car...with how hard it is to find a job and with the modern requirements for proving your financial viability I would have very little 'social capital' with which to leverage my way back to stability alone. Being realistic about this I do feel extremely lucky for the support network I have and at the same time intimately compassionate for those who live just the other side of the thin line. I like to think idealistically about equality and freedom and I believe that every human life is of equal value so the end result of thinking about my comfortable life and the plight of someone living on the streets is usually anger.

It really makes me mad that we live in a world that people are outright abandoned for any reason because I know that every single person could be of value if they were simple considered one of the community. Even given the vast support that I have around me I still feel that I have to fight for my happiness and work hard for my freedom. I know that without universal acceptance and inclusion there will always be individuals that can't survive let alone thrive and contribute in our society. That is why I am left with anger...though not the kind that boils inside and spills out onto trite daily annoyances, the kind that leaves me with indignation and the desire to force the change that I know is right upon the world.

What Moves Us

2011-03-14T14:27:00.000-07:00

I spend a fair number of afternoons and evenings laid out, resting to try and recover from workouts. One of my favorite things to do in my spare time is to watch documentary films and thanks to HULU there are a bunch of great ones online for free. In the last week I have watched a couple of great documentaries about some of the musicians that I respect and admire greatly and one about the current state of the music industry. This one in particular really struck home for me because it validated much of what I have been feeling about popular music and popular culture in general for the past several years.

Music has always had a big influence in my life, whether in good times or bad I always find company in the moods of my favorite artists. There are few things that I enjoy more than discovering new musicians, especially ones that are producing original, creative and interesting sounds. Most of all I really appreciate music that has passion in it and as a correlate to that I cant help but detest music that is passionless and sounds formulaic. The majority of music you hear in the popular realm nowadays falls into the latter category. Even though I know this intuitively, somehow I am still taken aback every time I find a connection with a piece of music and every time it wells inspiration up inside of me that I get from very few other places.

I suppose that music speaks to me in the way that art is supposed to and in the way that other forms of expression appeal to the sensitivities of other people. What gets to me about music is the bold vulnerability of an artist expressing his or her feelings and beliefs with every ounce of their strength. It is the unyielding honesty and passion that you find in a really wonderful piece of music that has given me such a personal connection to the art form. In a way it makes me sad that such inspiration is difficult to find nowadays but as with most things in an economically governed culture, what makes for the best price point is certainly not directly in line with what deserves the most merit.

I think that this truth may bolster my connection to inspired art because I know that it is being done in the face of hegemonic incentives to fit into a marketable schema. For all my faults I try hard to keep my spirit free of dependence upon the trite and unnatural concessions of modern social conformity. Even though I consciously keep that principal in mind it is still difficult at times to keep my view on life free of the inclination to be just a cog in the machine. For that reason I have the utmost respect for and feel a great connection to the inspired work of people that dare to cry out with an independent and free voice. It makes sense that I experience my feelings about music as inspiration, the bold expression of emotion is what I have stifled all my life. Seeing such a pure expression as exists in inspired music mirrors that which I have wished deep down that I could do and have not done, to severe personal detriment.

I am going to try to do a better job of keeping music in my life, even if that means just putting my headphones in more often. I know that later in my life I would really like to pursue music as a more serious hobby but for now I am just very glad for the appreciation and positive energy that it brings to my life. Realizing a lot of these things about music has also given me a greater respect and affinity for all forms of creativity and expression and for that I am most grateful.

Old Friends

2010-12-28T23:36:00.000-08:00

I had the experience recently of attending my ten year high school reunion and I had an awesome time. About a week prior I had pulled out my yearbook and flipped through it wondering if there were even that many people I would be excited to catch up with. In my memory high school was not that enjoyable...though to be fair that was mostly because of my attitude, outlook and choices along the way. Not to toot my own horn but I feel like I have grown a lot since then and with a fresh perspective I found myself pausing in the yearbook to reflect on how much I really liked many people I went to school with. In a way it made me sad to think that I had missed out on lots of great experiences in my past because I had been so hung up, but on the other hand I was now excited going an catching up with lots of people.

The first thing that struck me when I arrived was that it felt like everyone was a foot taller than they had been or I had shrunk, but in retrospect I think that they are all just adults now and appeared 'adult size'. Some people looked exactly the same as they did the day they graduated ans some people had changed so much that even after introductions I still could not recognize them. Some people had changed drastically on a personal level but some people were exactly the same, and in a strange way some people were just the same but seemed totally different because my perspective has been altered so much in the last ten years.

Only two of my good really good friends made it and though it was so wonderful to see them I really enjoyed catching up with many others that I had not seen at all since graduation. It was neat to hear about the paths people had taken and the trips they had been on, and how they had come to where they were today. It is strange not seeing a group of people for that long because it almost feel like one day they are budding youngsters off to college and the next they are lawyers, teachers, professionals, models, engineers, nurses, chefs and academics. I realize more every day that the thing I enjoy most about life is hearing someone tell their own story and sharing my own and for that night that was all I was doing with a whole room full of old friends. For that reason alone I am so happy that I went.

The more I though about all the conversations that I had and the stories that people told a common theme came to the surface that I found oddly comforting. For the most part people had a sense of uncertainty about what they were doing...not that anyone seemed unhappy with what they were doing but I got the sense that most people were looking at what they were doing as a stepping stone to where they were headed. Lots of people talked about traveling or finding something more rewarding to do in their field or figuring out where they wanted to live and so forth. To me this was a big relief to hear because I regularly feel uneasy about where my life is going because I do not have that figured out entirely. Knowing that other people my age are in a similar place was a relief and that feeling along with being reunited with so many old friends, even if it was only for a couple hours, made it an awesome experience.

Stagnant Pool of Resources

2010-12-28T23:35:00.001-08:00

There is a funny irony that struck me a while back...to work in a restaurant, you have to be too smart to work in a restaurant. Back when I was realizing this odd truth I tested it a couple of times when I was out to eat by asking the server something like "Do you happen to know who painted the Sistine Chapel?" Without fail the answer would come back as if it were only natural to know. On a more personal level, as I got to know the people that I work with I realized that each of them were greatly talented or interested in something outside of work. Several very talented artists as well as athletes, musicians, counselors and academics had all ended up working together in this little restaurant.

To be sure it takes intelligence and hard work to be able to handle the demands of working in a restaurant and so it is no wonder that the people I work with are each unique and amazing in their own right. The irony I mentioned however plays out in so many negative ways and it makes me sad to see the toll it often takes. No matter how you cut it we work service sector jobs and the subservient part of that truth weighs heavily on the mind of someone that is trying to muster the self confidence to develop as a person or professional, artist or academic. It makes me sad that the impressive skills and abilities my close friends poses must remain defined as cursory interests when asked..."What do you do?" Though deep down I believe that ones self worth absolutely should NOT be governed by the perceived value of the work you do to pay the bills, I all too often see resentment and frustration slipping into the lives of those around me.

Where I grew up, the tracks for 'success' were clearly defined and many people were fine coloring inside the lines. School - Internship or Entry-Level Job - Work Your Way Up. The American way is pretty straight forward. This path of course affording you some wiggle room for your interests...like maybe private sector v.s. public sector, but what if you want something to which there is no path from where you have begun or you don't know where you want to end up but you know you do not want a path laid out for you? This seems to be a common thread for people in the service sector. Lots of people have passions with no clear path or very few opportunities for support and help from their families or institutions.

Perhaps it is for this reason that most of us fear that we are going to end up stuck, working in restaurants or some other form of service for the rest of our lives. I feel really lucky that the group of people that I work with are so wonderful and kind spirited. We all commiserate about the difficulties of having to work for what you have and everyone is very supportive of the passions each other pursues outside of work. I certainly feel the support of my coworkers toward my athletic pursuits and it certainly helps when I go to work to know that even though it will be hard work I have friends there to make it worthwhile. The most frustrating part for me is that I know that there are tons of people out there that do not have the supporting environment that I do and who's potential may actually go to waste...let alone the billions that are born into poverty and starvation and will never have any chance of self direction or actualization.

Nothing makes me happier than when my friends take a leap of faith and really go after their passions or goals, or when an opportunity comes their way to pursue those things. In a way it is always bitter sweet when something great comes along for someone that you work with because you are so happy for them and at the same time it is the thing that will take them away from you. In a strange way this truth redefines the irony that I began with. The talent, intelligence and potential that makes one capable of thriving in service work dictates that one will not have a career in service. For me, knowing this truth is a good exercise of living in the moment and letting go of my social and emotional defense-baggage. I know that most of the people that I spend my nights with now will come and go from our restaurant, and as such my life, for now though I really love them all and that is all that does and should matter.

The Simple Things

2010-09-14T22:21:00.000-07:00

Everyone has heard that 'it is the simple/little things in life' and I feel more and more like that is most definitely the case. Too often have I let a thing slide or dismissed how I felt about something because it seemed minor however I have found that in discussing or thinking about the smallest occurrence in life can yield important insight. I have also found that sometimes the simplest thing can bring great joy through association with a memory or the person you are sharing it with or for any number of other reasons. The truth about the simple/little things is that you are always present and what grants them significance is your experience of them. For me, being receptive to the possible happiness any given thing might bring was always difficult and allowing myself to feel happy is something I have decided to work on.

Along the way I have found that may small things really do add up to how I am feeling and that there are a lot of places where my dark moods that come from time to time could be headed off. Everyone knows that sometimes the smallest thing can set you off raging or upset you greatly, where in another instance it might not, completely ruining your mood. Where on the flip side the right song or cute dog can totally turn your day around. That being the case I would say the little tings are not so little most of the time.

I think a big part of the reason I have been in the same rut so long and so many times over is that I allow my expectations to rule a lot of my experiences and I have a knack for setting the bar way to high for myself. Telling myself that if I have some huge breakthrough or some huge wave of emotional epiphany then I will change, and not that it wont come but expecting something like that without being open to it is a self fulfilling prophecy in it's worst form. In a way I have been ignoring how I do feel about things and remaining caught up on how I should feel. I really do find myself overwhelmed at times by the beauty or power of things or persons that I encounter, however it is a subtle experience and for me shy's quickly when I recognize it.

I have been thinking lately that the validation that I am seeking from within myself may have been there all along and I just never recognized it or allowed it to get expressed. Expecting to be disappointed by life and by people is no way to live and I really want to let go of that. The biggest part of changing this pattern for me however is going to be standing up for myself...not expressing how i actually feel in any given situation has been the source of much of my disappointment in others ignorance of my needs. I hate that at some point I am sure I unfairly judged peoples actions toward me because of my own inability to stay open...however progress by definition requires starting from imperfection.

What is Real

2010-09-14T22:20:00.000-07:00

In going over many of the situations in my past and present the most troubling truth is that much of the dialogue that my mind has with the outside world never really occurs. For example in a situation of conflict there are a a million things that I would say to someone but do not and whether or not the situation finds a positive outcome there is more often than not much that I felt but was never heard. Often the lengthy dialogues that might go on in my head only serves to frustrate my feelings about the situation because my own expectations and feeling about my self paint the imaginary 'other' and not often in a positive way.

I know that this conflict speaks volumes about my need to live in the moment and to speak my mind or my heart, however it also explains a lot about my personality and character. Some amount of consideration should be put into things, especially sensitive situations, before making declarative statements however my problem has always been that I choose to stifle myself instead of speaking up when it came to speaking my heart. Though it may been done out of legitimate fear of retribution or lack of acceptance, it is no wonder that I came to resent myself so much, as I was shutting off the expression of my feelings. Being shut up and or unheard never feels good and doing it to myself for years certainly was not serving me very well.

I see a lot of other people doing this same thing around me all the time, usually taking the form of not speaking ones mind or not telling someone how they are feeling and it kills me to see how it tears people up. I certainly feel that it is out of legitimate fear that people live a lot of things out within themselves however most of the time it only causes more harm doing so than it would to live out loud. The greatest injustice being that when we do this our assumptions are never challenged and the harmful things that we believed in the first place continue to rule our beliefs. That has been my experience but I hope I will have the courage to put myself out there in the future because having your assumptions challenged is the only way to heal the negative expectations and feelings you may have about the world.

Rock Bottom

2010-08-20T23:01:00.000-07:00

It is a humbling experience to realize that your primary strategy that you thought served you well in life really may have been just another obstacle. The irony being that what got you this far has only gotten you this far. It is important to have a good understanding of your problems but when your pattern has been to use everything you encounter to justify your unhealthy beliefs and destructive patterns more knowledge may not be a good thing. In my case I feel like a lot of the 'insight' I gained over the past year has fallen by the wayside as 'knowing' more about how problems like mine are structured only gave my confused mind more control rather than serving to break down my unhealthy patterns.

I have reached a strange point in my journey and my experience of it seems to be somewhat of a paradox. It seems that what I have been missing all along I have been choosing to circumvent because it has been easier, up to this point, to avoid risking the exposure of my fears of rejection, abandonment and oblivion. It turns out however that one can not be connected and happy without being vulnerable first and experiencing the safety of acceptance. So I am referring to the leap of faith as a paradox because it feels to me like I have to let go of most things I have learned, most things that I know and most of my assumptions and trust that things will turn out ok if I live without my guard up.

It feels like I have to let go of the person that I am to become the person that I already was in a way. The person that I am being a conglomeration of social habits that I have collected over the years that have found favorable yet safe outcomes. That part of me clings desperately to the patterns that have helped me to survive however inevitably bring me back to self-loathing and isolation. The person that I always was would be the impulsive, intuitive and sensitive part of me that only rears it's head from time to time. Though I do love that guy and my best memories are from times when I felt safe to just be myself...the person that I am learned somewhere along the way not to trust and never to get too happy. It could be expressed like this...I have to do what I don't want to do if I want to get what I need...a contradiction that I feel very clearly.

The most unsettling part is that the change I need to make to move forward from this place would require me to live without strategy...at least for a while. It is really scary to consider setting most of my heuristics aside and living on faith for a while. Faith in my ability to handle things as they come is difficult enough but faith in others good nature, receptiveness and understanding is a whole other story. Since it seems like every time I really needed someone for something they were unable or unwilling to be there for me, my trust has become to fragile. It is however an incredible experience when someone against all odds and expectations does not turn their back on you and having felt that I feel like I have something to rebuild my trust upon.

Challenge

2010-06-09T22:55:00.000-07:00

I had a strange yet significant moment at my last session. I know that I wanted to say something expressing choice and independence. I also felt like I wanted to say something direct about someone's behavior and performance. I felt a huge wave of adrenaline and I suppose fear about speaking up. I think it is worth looking at as the context really speaks to some of my more frustrating issues.

I suppose this was a good example of risk taking as I knew that I would be shaping what was to come with what I wanted and my opinions. In the past I can remember myself second guessing the validity of my opinion or fearing retribution for speaking up and I suppose that is where the heavy anxiety comes from...the experience of such threats. Most of all though the loss of unconditional regard is the greatest fear as challenging about something they do even if it is directly related to me is what scares me the most...I suppose because I have experience with that too.

Most of all I fear the uncertainty that is taking life on for myself. I feel really uneasy putting faith in the things I do and the decisions I make and, while negative feedback from others has a drastic effect on my confidence in huge disproportion to that of positive feedback, I tend to self deprecate putting myself too often into a downward spiral. In the past week however I found myself on the verge of such a maelstrom and reached out to friends and contacts actively seeking solutions and progress forward from setback and avoided the depression I feared greatly was about to befall me.

I hope that this is a new pattern that I have made for myself and that I will be able to approach challenges in my life in such a way.

Jaded

2010-06-09T22:54:00.001-07:00

I don't know entirely how it is that I came to where I am today as far as my expectations of people but I have been troubled lately because I have been catching myself projecting those onto other people. It is no wonder that I am hesitant to open up or commit or trust people when in my mind I am too often assuming or fearing negative things about their intentions. It is a big part of my goal to be and live honest and that is exceedingly difficult when what I think is unfounded. Imagine telling someone "I don't trust you" when there is no reason not to. Though it is an honest statement most people could not hear the "I" as the TRUE subject rather than focusing on the object. I have been gaining confidence in my ability to overcome the anxiety of approaching conflict because I know that if, given the right time and a safe place, I can think things out and explain how I really feel.

It is a strange sensation realizing that you are wrong and it is difficult to open yourself up to that possibility. That being said it is no surprise to me that most people will often not take first step of accepting that possibility. A lot of this process for me has been trying to stay open to that possibility so that regardless of the outcome I can feel like I was open minded and made serious considerations about how I feel or what I believe. Lately that has often meant allowing myself to reexamine my assumptions or feelings towards people.

I certainly have relationships and interactions from the past that I have written off that deserve a second thought. What concerns me most now though is that in times where depth or vulnerability are close at hand I stumble with staying in the moment and my defense mechanisms and habits kick in. Often the result is that people are held subtly at a distance and the possible connection never comes. Often times there is no real consequence of this pattern other than the void that I know has always been there and the reminder of why it is.

The worst part of the pattern is that more often than not I look for things about people that I do not, nay might not like to 'explain' my indifference or lack of connection. Though it is dangerous ground for me to turn responsibility in on myself, I am finding it an important exercise to remind myself that the origin of what I feel and do resides with me and I should define it as such if I want to feel like I understand what is going on. The tough part of this is believing in the things I am doing rather than just doing them...by that I mean that to make a gesture or say some something regardless of it's symbolic value means nothing if it is done only for the hoped for or expected reaction. I am having trouble with this mainly because I think so fast and in depth about things that I do that often I am already prepared for a situation or conversation and that leaves me closed off to surprise/vulnerability/challenge.

In a way the cliche about living in the moment applies however being yourself is far more relevant. In a strange way the path seems to suggest that I force the strategies and habits of my past aside so that they don't get in my way. I call it strange because it is almost like I am getting out of my own way. Thankfully there are moments where I drift into day dreams or my mind settles listening to music and memories or dreams bubble to the surface and every so often I can identify what I am connecting with. Those moments have been so valuable in soothing the constant uncertainty that usually plagues me. Moments where my self validates my desire to have great connection and happiness in my life by reminding me that it is getting that in my life I just need to trust that...I am.

Nuance

2010-05-30T05:46:00.001-07:00

Glad to have taken a deep breath, relaxed and gone with the flow. New experiences have more to offer than I can really explain so I just want to say that I want to seize the opportunity whenever I can to experience something new. Though I do enjoy my habits, schedules and regimens setting my experience free to expand s something I should do more.

The Few

2010-04-10T13:49:00.000-07:00

In the few years since I graduated from college I have learned a lot about loss, but certainly not everything, and there are kinds of loss that I have not experienced and could not imagine. What I do know is that seeing death or experiencing the loss of someone, even if they are not close to you, has profound and unpredictable effects on everyone. Unfortunately I get the sense that the majority of loss results in negative lasting effects on those left behind and knowing that I no longer take life and death lightly even in casual situations. I find myself greatly moved by historical and dramatic portrayals of war alike, perhaps because I recognize the breadth of devastating effects spread out across humanity that comes along with such loss of life.

I watched a film recently about Vietnam and was thinking about the concept of the draft...I could speak volumes about war and about the military and my beliefs and observations of both however in this instance I had more of a vision. In any instance where war, massacre, poverty, sickness or any one of many preventable sources of human anguish was decimating a population in a far off country, I wondered how history and the present would be different if the millions that were mobilized, military and civilian alike, to the cause of war had instead been mobilized to the cause of peace. Image thousands and millions being drafted and volunteering to be educated in medicine, diplomacy, sociology or even economics...traveling to these countries as non-forceful humanitarian. For the money we spent on training, weapons and everything else could anyone really argue that the cost would not have been so much less and that the socio-historical impact of such wars would not have been significantly mitigated?

I think about the gravity of the death of just one of my friends has had on myself and those around me and how for some people the loss will be a vexing toxin far into the future... then I think that in the past century 500,000 US soldiers have died in major wars over seas.

What You Have

2010-04-07T23:48:00.000-07:00

Somewhere along the way I lost sight of the importance the people in my life really carried with them and probably along with it the significance I have in others lives. As I am learning to be more honest with myself about what I mean to other people and what they mean to me I am finding myself more able to see and feel those connections for what they are. Strangely that truth is leading me from time to time making decisions about the depth of my relationship with some people. Where as at some points in my life I completely avoided letting anyone in and at others I was overly casual about giving myself away I am finding now that as with anything I have a choice in each instance. The power of that choice is daunting at times because it is a decision about one half of a relationship where the other person may feel differently.

The main reason why I have found it important to draw boundaries with people and be selective about the depth of relationships is that most of the time people do not approach each other unconditionally. The vast majority of people want or expect something out of their interactions with you or have emotional needs/wounds that make it impossible to hold up their half of a reciprocal relationship. In a lot of cases people will find others that are willing to placate or enable their pretense and exist in a comfortable world without challenge. I don't really blame people for doing this as I have done and do it from time to time myself but I have been less and less comfortable lately existing in any situation where I can not be my honest self.

I have been reflecting on the rolls I have played in the past for people or to avoid my true self, the rolls people have played for me and there are many situations and relationships that I see now as having been the product of weakness on my part. On the other hand I also have found great value in current and old relationships because I see now how important the instances of honesty and genuineness really were.

It is frustrating to me to see how carelessly people dangle themselves out there or with what little respect for their own or others well being people act to sooth their anxieties and insecurities. I don't know where I lost sight of the weight of my relationships with other people but I do not think that is an uncommon problem.

It feels unnatural at times and judgmental at times but as I have found out the hard way if you don't draw boundaries with and pay attention to how you feel about people that come into your life the outcome may not represent your true character. I want to treat everyone with respect and kindness...being as that there are few people in the world I couldn't learn from or find something to like about. The problem that I run into is that I have a tenancy to want to make people happy and take on their problems which often ends in disaster as people often are more than willing to allow others to do that for them.

The best strategy I have found is to keep in mind that I am doing no one a favor by not being honest with them and remain hopeful that should I be honest, however brutally that might be, that meaningful relationships are bound to result and fill my life.

Plans

2010-02-04T15:10:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking lately about the periodic indifference that I experience about my future and my importance in the world in general. One of the many steps that I want to take in the process of healing the rift between myself and my life is to make a concerted effort to become invested in my future. One of the first steps in that process was standing up for the dream I have had for years about racing triathlons and dedicating myself to pursuing that. Another, more important part of that however is being honest about what I want out of my future. I feel like a lot of things like a family and a home of my own became too scary to wish for because I have had such setbacks and disappointments in the past. I have though found myself wanting to work towards having a family and children in my future and I really want to solidify that part of me so that my insecurity can not take them away down the road.

I love kids. Being around them and interacting with them is such a joy and though I have no idea how to interact with them as anything but a kid myself I find it uplifting and inspiring every time. Perhaps it is a selfish thing right now but I really do want to have kids of my own so that I can be a part of something miraculous and pass the gift on that I feel was given to my with my own life. I love the reminder of how fragile yet pure and undeniable the human condition is that I get from seeing the smile on a kids face and I feel deep down that having a child is something that I was born to do. Perhaps there are elements of biological instinct hard at work inside me, and often that would be cause for me to write something important off as lacking true spiritual content but I feel a connection to that desire deep down and if only sporadically it is still important to me.

I believe very strongly in the power of choice and if we were to make none other the most important choice we might make in our lives is who we want to share it with. I get a vision in my head at times of a woman that takes my breath away and that I know I can not live without. I worry at times that I will never find someone that really is the right person for me and that feels that I am the same for her. At the very least I want to hold strong to the conviction that I want to find her and that I will not short change myself or anyone else by choosing a lesser happiness. I have been in love and I am familiar with the euphoria and the pitfalls yet I have hope that one day I will meet someone that I want to share my life with.

I get flights of interest in all kinds of things from time to time and it is hard to imagine finding one career that I could really be satisfied with. There are so many things that I want to do, so many people I want to help and so many things about this world that I want to change that at times it is overwhelming. I know that I want to go back to school and earn one of those things that society has deemed necessary for your opinions to be of substance...law school and psychology being my two greatest interests. Mainly I really want to find a job that allows me to help people and make a contribution that directs future progress towards a world absent many of the horrors and injustices that weigh on my mind so heavily.

I really want to be invested in my future as the feeling of being lost or hopeless about where my life is going has become completely unacceptable to me. I know that no one can find the path or make the change for me and I know that I find myself slipping into self defeating states of mind too easily and that is why I wanted to speak directly about some of the things that I want so that they may be more concrete in my life. Though it may seem obvious at times I still need to remind myself that there is so much to live for and one's efforts, though at times seemingly inconsequential, are valuable in and of themselves because they are a statement of choice.

The River

2010-01-20T17:57:00.000-08:00

There is something about the presence of running rivers or large bodies of water that calms me in a personal way. I love to put my feet in moving water and feel it's life lapping at me. It pleases me to see a body of water standing and feeding the environment around it and thinking about the animals and plants that draw protection, nutrition and purpose from it. I have always loved many things about nature but there is something about a river running strong that embodies the dynamic yet fragile, beautiful and chaotic essence of the natural world we live in and seeing that always brings me back in touch with the thing I feel we often take for granted yet depend on most, our planet.

At least once a week I cross over the San Lorenzo on one of my runs and I usually stop there to stretch and breath. This winter several of the storms we saw caused the river to swell to a powerful torrent, dragging trees and rocks and mud to the river mouth creating a plume of debris and dirt two miles across to spread out into the ocean. I really loved seeing the flow of water coursing down because it looked like a process of purging and cleaning being done in the way nature intended. In the past centuries the alteration and destruction done to the natural course of our river through levy, pollution, logging, fishing and whatever we pleased has left it a mere skeleton of it's former self. I know it was once a huge salmon hatchery that supported a flourishing ecosystem in the long valley and wide delta supporting, to say the least, populations of bears and several native American tribes.

When I see it raging with the force of miles of collected rainfall I felt empathetic to it's plight and proud to watch it rage, though frivolously, against it's unnatural shackles of human imposition. I felt indignant about our selfish and ignorant ravaging of the natural resources and beauty that we dare to call 'ours.' I am glad for the connection that I feel to the natural world and perplexed by the lack of it that led us to where we are today. I often think, as some people do, that I would have been so much happier in another time, and for me that time would have been before the discovery of America in the time of the Indians. Perhaps living right here in the Santa Cruz delta or in the San Lorenzo valley with the Achista or the Chatu-mu...fishing and hunting...living as part of something I know that I am rather than trying to fit into something I know deep down that I am not.

Family Tree

2009-12-03T19:08:00.000-08:00

I lost another family member this week...he would have been a second cousin and like several other people in my family I had never even known of him before he died. This has happened to me before with closer family members and it has been a stark reminder of the frustration that I have with the lack of import my family carries about the connectedness, tradition and ancestral reverence. Beyond the closeness I morn for in the relationships with my immediate family I also feel a void of the relationships with once and twice removed family members that I have never gotten the chance to know because of bad blood that came years before I was even born. I know a lot of my issues tie in with my senses of identity, purpose and duty...some of which I feel are tied in with our connection to the past and in turn the future. I have gone through periods of longing to learn about our family history and about my extended family and it has always seemed an impossible task.

I know a lot of this has to do with rifts between family members that developed before my life even began and realistically it is just another log on the fire of my desire for the healing of relationships in my immediate family. One of my constant yearnings is to see people fix their issues with those people that are important to them and build strength in their lives through their honest connections with other people. Because of that it is infinitely frustrating for me to see brothers and sisters, kids and their parents as well as friends and acquaintances stubbornly resenting and frustrating their connections with each other. This is only made worse when I loose the opportunity to connect with people that I am related to because of the divides that have nothing to do with me.

Several years ago I lost a cousin that I never knew I had and a whole load of issues that were going on in one segment of my family came out because of it. I was shocked to learn all these things that were going on right down the street practically with people I had shared countless Christmas' and Fourth of July's with. It made me sad to hear all these stories about a boy the seemed like an absolute joy and was as much connected to the people I love as I am and to know that because of peoples, stubbornness and avoidance I never got to know him.

It is a strange thing...family. When everything is personal and you know no matter what these people are a part of your life and future. Perhaps that is why it is so difficult some times...because they are a part of you. It does not matter how much you change or how far you move, what you believe in or how you feel about life, how many times you swear you hate or love them...family is draped over it all and can not be denied.

I hate that my relationship with my sister was not all that strong when she moved to the east coast because now that we live so far apart it is difficult to rebuild and take back the connection I know we once shared. I know that we were both going through tough times when we were younger and too often took it out on each other and I regret that it was that way as I often need a person that I love and trust to talk to and wish that could be her.

I don't know how you take back things you have said and pain that you have caused...I don't really feel like I know how to build a deep and meaningful connection in the first place necessarily but I feel a great desire to have those kinds of relationships in my life.

The frustrating part is that it feels at times others do not necessarily feel the same way and though I know sometimes it appears that way because of their fears of intimacy or connection or their own emotions, it is difficult not to feel hurt just the same.

A True Friend

2009-11-15T11:15:00.000-08:00

I am beginning to understand the importance and significance of the parts of my life that I share with other people...family, friends and more than friends alike. I think that a lot of the turmoil I have dealt with up to this point has had a lot to do with my being overly willing to open up and bring other people into my life and then allow them to run things for me. I have slowly been learning that it is not selfish to go after what I want in my own life even if that is not what someone else might want and that is true for two reasons. Firstly, to be anyone other than who I am would essentially be lying to those around me and secondly anyone around me that would desire for me anything but what is in my heart would not be a true friend at all. There are still a lot of things that kind of perplex me about this new found and newly defined view of life that I have.

With the way my life has gone in the last year...it has been essential to surround myself with people that are considerate and supportive while not falling back into my old pattern of dependency and submissiveness. At times it has been extremely difficult not to give up or give in or reach out to the wrong things and people to sooth my insecurities and fears...however at times the right decisions and paths have just come naturally to me. I really have found that there are a lot of people around me that are dependable and honest enough to rely on for a lot of things that one should look to their friends for. Sometimes I have even found support in completely unexpected places and people...by sharing and reaching out at the right times creating new friends and strengthening old relationships.

The catch 22 about connecting to so many people for me has been that I really don't trust people's behavior some of the time and there is certainly a hazily defined line between people about how one should engage in an others life. The friend, for example, that chooses one path in their life and as an outsider you feel that their choice is a settling from their potential for true happiness. How does a true friend engage that situation...is it less considerate to allow that person to stray as far as they will down a path that is leading them no where good or to tell them outright that they should not be doing what they are doing? Who are we to say what anyone else should do with their lives...even if they want, consciously or unconsciously, to throw parts of them away?

I feel this time around that I am really building something for my self and a big part of that is the friendships and relationships that I am finding along the way. I am valuing the people around more like I should have all along and taking the chances one must to make those relationships meaningful and finding out if they are not. Someone once said it to me very simply "I get to choose who I let into my life" and I think that is a true statement in so many ways. I try as best I can to own those choices and stand up for my life and what I choose to be a part of it because, and this is my reasoning for a lot of my behavior, it is my life and I give myself permission to be happy.

Alone

2009-11-02T10:06:00.000-08:00

I was feeling so strong there for a while that a run of setbacks feels like the whole world is crashing down for some reason...I forgot how easily my mind turns on me.

I feel invisible...I know that it is because everyone around me worries about their own life most of the time and do not consider the effect had by or message sent by their actions...but for so long I have assumed that it is because people could care less what I do or what is going on with me. Once you tell yourself that it would not matter if you died it is incredibly difficult to take back and prevent yourself from saying again and it makes it hard to break the pattern of feeling unimportant.

I am sure that my tendency to turn things in on myself is not helping in this situation but the feeling of loneliness that has torn me apart so many times in the past creeps into my heart once again. Feeling this way contributes to my overly needy and insecure feelings about relationships and my overwhelming drive to have someone in my life...or at the very least put myself in theirs so I do not have to face my feelings about my own.

I have been feeling really overwhelmed by my future recently...

Self Examination

2009-10-27T22:56:00.001-07:00

It is a unique experience when you meet someone that...just by virtue of who they are...helps you to grow/change/face stuff/challenge yourself. Whether it is through admiration or direct challenge or just interaction. It really feels like the meat of life...the valuable content that makes your story what it is rather than filling in the spaces between.

I have had the unique opportunity lately to do a lot of soul searching and to take an honest look at the way I have been living my life up to this point and more recently have encountered challenges that really have put my strategies and insecurities to the test. I can not remember who it was that spoke on the unexamined life but I think I would agree that a lot of the life I have lived so far could not really be called living because I never really knew myself and was living a life only partially my own.

I agree with the theory that we develop strategies and behaviors to deal with the challenges we face...finding ways to get our needs met. What I don't understand is how I ended up with a bunch of strategies that get none of my needs met and actually make them more difficult. I am awestruck when I encounter people that seem happy and to have a grip on how to approach life that can encompass any challenge without compromising themselves. I almost distrust that reality and create stories in my head about them that diminish the people they are out of jealousy or something.

At times I wish, childishly, that I did not have the ability or inclination to observe or challenge myself...that I could just do whatever I felt like...whatever was easiest...to get by. Be it conscience or principles or whatever one might call it, I can't help but judge the way I live my life with a great deal of scrutiny. I certainly feel on some level that it would be gravely hypocritical to be aware of things that are wrong with the world or ones life and act in any way contrary to that truth. What I feel I guess is the burden of knowledge...that to act in a positive way toward all things in my life is the right thing to do, even though often moral or principal compromise would be 'easier'. What frustrates me is that I see people around me taking the easy way out so often and a lot of the time to their own detriment.

From the Heart

2009-10-04T13:18:00.000-07:00

If there is any course of action that is easier said than done that course is to follow your heart...at least for me. I have run into real stumbling bloc in the last two weeks and trying to quiet my mind and hear what my feelings tell me is not working. My mind has been working over time and I can not judge what the things that I am thinking and feeling are. The other day I got the desire to go on this specific adventure and I really wanted to share it with this one girl for some reason and the thought of that really made me happy and excited. I don't know why really I just really wanted to share that experience with her. Since then I have been thinking about her a lot and torturing myself about what that means.

One thing that scares me and excites me at the same time is that I feel like she is as good and genuine a person as I have ever encountered. That is scary for a couple of reasons...the main one being that I could actually find love with someone like that which is uncharted and treacherous water for anyone, but secondly because if she does not feel the same way I worry that facing it could damage the good friendship we have. It is exciting however that I could find someone to share things with on a real level...actually having a chance at the kind of relationship I value. It is strange that the thing I find most enticing about opening up about what I have been feeling is also the most terrifying.

I talked with a good friend about all of this and she suggested two very useful things. One being that I should talk it out with the person because if she is a true friend, having things out in the open could only result in one of two things - a strengthening of our friendship or if she feels the same way a connection - both things being positive. Anonymous also said that with matters like this, deep down we already know and I worry that my uncertainty is a sign that my feelings are conflicted...one way or the other I really don't know what to do.

The main thing I don't trust about this possible romantic interest is that my formation of attachments in the past has been unhealthy and I am finding it hard to believe that my feelings are not born out of some broken or missing piece inside me. I hate that I have to second guess myself and that I have been led so astray in the past by my choices. How are you supposed to know what your feelings mean or what to do about them?

Desire

2009-09-18T14:20:00.000-07:00

I have been sick for the last several days and laying in bed or on the couch for much of that which is dangerous for several reasons...the relevant one being that my mind has way to much time to wander. I have had attraction on my mind a lot this week for some reason, and there are so many things that I have been conflicted about in that department that I really have not known how to find anything in the way of resolution...about any of it. I have been finding myself desiring connection a lot more lately and it manifests in all sorts of ways and all the time...making it difficult to know what to do about any of it or what any of it means.

I think that my sexual drive is probably on par for my age, but being normal does not make it any easier to deal with the constant screaming desire my body feels to mate. At times I am overwhelmed with the beauty and sexual attraction I feel to other people...I was telling a friend that the other weekend I actually said 'ouch' out loud when I saw this woman because of how attractive she was. It is like an ache that never goes away and I have never been able to reconcile it with my beliefs about relationships...my desire for physical intimacy overpowers me on a constant basis regardless of my feeling obligated to be faithful or my desire to maintain a friendship or knowing that casual rendezvous' really are not that rewarding in the long run. I don't really know what to do to manage the feeling of being overwhelmed by physical desire for other people all around me.

I know that these desires are the motivating force behind people coming together and what is bothering me most about all this is that I have serious reservations about bringing/letting anyone in. I don't think that my fears about intimacy are necessarily anything new but I just recognize them better now than I have in the past. The dissonance of having great desire for connection and great fear of intimacy simultaneously inside me has generated some absurd solutions in my mind. I had this notion the other day that I should date someone that I don't even like for a while...that way I could have some false sense of intimacy in my life but maintain the security of knowing that I would not have to be vulnerable knowing it would never work out.

What I am struggling with most is that I feel alone. I have great friends and a very supportive community but having someone to share your life with is an entirely different thing. It is a mixed blessing to have experience the kind of love that fills and enriches your body and life to such an extent that everything you encounter feels new and incredible and allows you to live fully open. It teaches you so much about yourself but once you loose it the void inside you leaves scars so deep and personal that it is hard to shake the fear of it ever happening ever again. Once I found something to be hopeful about I totally changed my attitude about life and I suppose promised myself things about my future. When I let myself down by not being able to hold on to the one thing that gave me hope in the first place, I lost the trust in myself that allows openness, hope and real intimacy to be possible. I think this feeling, this fear is something that I have been experiencing in some way for a long time but it is really frustrating me right now because I feel like I can't move on with my life because of it.

I have felt myself considering compromising my principals on my own happiness...telling myself that I could make a relationship work in certain ways with certain strategies and forgetting to stop and consider whether I want to. It is the same thing I have done so many times with career path choices...weighing pros and cons rather than going with my gut or what I outright want. It is my initial intuition to make some compromise of what I know will make me happy to get these initial and momentary drives and need met and that really troubles me for two reasons. First I have done that in the past and just kept adding compromise and sacrifice on top of itself exponentially until I found myself with nothing left...the thought of ending up there again terrifies me more than anything. Secondly though it makes me feel like a primitive organism...unable to get past my physical drives and needs.

So far the only strategy I have had that I think fairly represents the honest truth about where I am at is to be forward about not being in a place where I am prepared to take on any serious personal commitments. The tough part is that this is not where I want to be and keeping myself honest about that in my actions becomes more difficult by the day as I allow myself to think and to fantasize about having great intimacy back in my life.

Rage

2009-09-06T10:56:00.001-07:00

I got a bad case of the angrys this week...where for the last several days frustration and impatience has been coursing just below my skin and keeping me on a tense edge. The smallest things have been pissing me off and I feel like I have been looking for reasons to be mad at people and seeking out confrontation in every day stuff. It is exhausting being on edge and I know that on some level my poor sleeping pattern this week is associated with my even worse mood. On some level I think that my fears from last week about things that could go wrong that are out of my control may have added weight to my exhaustion not helping my mood any. Lastly some of the personal stuff that I have been dealing with the last year really resurfaced this week and I think those issues have not been helping either.

I have been restless all week and working late a good amount...having to get up early to get workouts in, especially early morning swim practice is tough. When I try to get to bed and to sleep, I just lie there eyes and brain fluttering, rolling over and over trying to get comfortable and with each minute getting more and more frustrated with the fact that sleep is not coming. It is made more ridiculous if I turn the light on or grab my IPod and my eyes burn like fire if I try to keep them open. I have caught a few naps this week because I was so exhausted during the day and I have still been lagging at the end of each day...feeling like I have no energy to go on. Morning workouts are all the more tough and frustrating when you have to drag yourself ot the pool and on to the bike and each element of the work out that does not feel up to par is like fuel on the fire. The worst part of it is that it is harder and harder to enjoy the things I am doing being so tired and frustrated. I find my self second guessing my ability and goals and slipping back to familiar old patterns.

For a long time I never gave myself to anything fully because I could not get out of the funk of believing that goals and dreams were worth while. I don't know where along the line I started feeling that way but I definitely remember dreaming more when I was younger and at some point that just stopping. To take the shot I am taking now one of the hardest things to overcome was the need that I found myself feeling to have approval from others of what I was doing. This time I knew that this was what I wanted to do and I knew that for some important people in my life it was a foolish thing to pursue. I know that you can't please everyone all the time and I think that I had trouble letting go of that as a kid and when I got to adolescence that had disastrous consequences because everyone wants something from you and all of it for their own reasons. Perhaps that is why I spent those years often attaching myself to things that I had to sacrifice parts of myself to become part of. Always looking for the unconditional regard that I had lost somewhere along the way and unfortunately never finding someone that could show me how to give that regard to myself.

One of the toughest things I have had to face in the last year is my relationship with my father...having to fall back on my parents for a lot of support this year forced us into a proximity that I know he probably was relieved to not have to face anymore when I first moved out and that I knew on a very conscious level was dysfunctional. We butted heads on several occasions and never has he said why he is so resentful of me or why he feels that he has to be as condescending, childish and patronizing as he is about it. He seems incapable of stepping outside himself and taking on the things that are going on with other people...I understand the reasons why he is this way but I no longer accept them as an unoffered excuse...I am so fucking pissed that he has been taking his fears and anxieties out on me my whole life and that I now have to bear the burden of that malfunction in my life still. Before I left home he told me that he no longer felt obligated to put any effort into making our relationship amicable. Who the fuck says that to their child? Then he comes down here to visit and disingenuously asks about how things are going then proceeds to talk about himself the entire visit.

The other thing that came up this week was my most recent relationship. I got a box of things from her that I left behind when I abandoned our relationship...some of it was minor belongings or things I forgot about. Some of the things were very personal though, gifts she had given me and I left behind or things of ours that I just did not take. It brought what happened right to the forefront rather than in my analytical abstractions and I really had not faced it for a while. A friend of mine suggested that closure is really important to women and that I would be well off all around to send her a letter which I said was my first inclination after I searched through the box for a note from her. I definitely still fear facing her even if it is not literally I fear it within myself as well.

So I suppose it is not really a big surprise that I have not been sleeping well and have been exhausted this week with all this on my mind. As I was telling 'Anonymous' this week I am glad I have created this space to let a lot of this stuff out and I am glad that I have found a good group of friends to provide me with companionship and company when I need it even if I won't admit it. Some of them came and got me out last night and we had some laughs and visited, ate way too much food and I feel better today. I really need to try to make sure I am being appreciative for the things and people I have in my life rather than beating myself up about what I might or might not accomplish/have or the relationships I could not save.

Failure

2009-09-02T14:04:00.000-07:00

I have had a lot on my mind lately in the way of preparation for Pacific Grove...which is my big race for the season and the biggest of my life so far. If I get on the podium there I qualify for my elite license and that has been a dream for me all along, to race pro. For some reason the last few days my mind has fixated from time to time on all the things that could go wrong. That is a familiar feeling for me and I do not like it...thinking like that makes it hard to focus when I am training and dampens my positivity in general.

I have these strange inklings about being due for a flat tire or crash and fear the devastation that I would feel if that happened in a race of this much importance. I feel like I am doing almost everything I can do to prepare in terms of my fitness and I feel like that is going really well and I know how to prepare to race so what I am afraid of is chance. Should things not work out as I hope they do I guess I also fear my own inability to take it in stride and move on to a new plan to get where I want to go. So many times in the past I have given up on things at the first failure...I don't know what that is all about. I guess I just want it so bad and to have it within reach is tantalizing so I dream about it all the time like I know it will happen.

I am a little nervous about continuing to train hard within this last week before race week and that is making it difficult to stay motivated too. All of the little aches and all the suffering minutes are made more difficult by my lack of confidence that I will be able to recover. I suppose that is the nice thing about having a coach is that you can put your faith in a plan that someone else makes for your training. I have to believe in the plan I have set forth and perhaps that is why it is a little tough to keep confident, because I have taken it all on myself. I have had a lot of trouble in the past propping myself up on my own volition, often opting to believe that there are things wrong with me or that I am not capable of this or that.

A friend told me the other week that I should be mindful of the focus I put on success, that it is not all there is and that to love something you are doing you must enjoy the process. That is a message that I do take to heart and I try to live...but I doubt anyone can remain in a positive frame of mind all the time. I do not know how I should plan for the ups and downs in terms of success and frame of mind but I know they will come and I guess that is a start.

The End of My Life (WIP)

2009-08-24T23:14:00.000-07:00

I was listening to the song 'A Satisfied Mind' the other day and realized that over the years I have thought a lot about my own death, for different reasons at different times, and there are a lot of things that I believe and worry about my death and what it will mean. There is no way to determine when it will come and that is why I want to speak directly about it so that should my life end before my time I will have voiced my concerns. To think about it is difficult in the first place and when I first found myself contemplating it when I was young I did not take it seriously because I had no idea the true gravity of loss. Over the years many people have passed in and out of my life, some just out of contact but some out of this world all together and I certainly have learned a lot about life and it's importance. I want to make sure that my life does not leave burdens behind when it is over and for that purpose I want to be honest about how I view my life and death so that no one must wonder or suffer over what is or was.

The hardest part about many of the losses that have hit my life is to see and feel the effects of regret and guilt that plague those left behind because they were not or are not able to face their feelings or behavior. It is my hope that people will not feel regret or guilt about their relationships with me, big or small. If it helps I want people to know that I see them for who they are regardless of how honest their outward behavior is. There are very few interactions big or small that I have ever had in my life that I didn't take the utmost consideration of the other persons life into account at some point. By that I mean if someone didn't say something or said something they didn't mean or did something they might regret I knew because I see people for their strength and goodness through all the things that I know hold them back. I want people to be honest about how my life was lived and how their lives were lived in relation to me. Firstly, I don't want to be eulogized in an exclusively positive manned because that would be dishonest...at times I have made poor decisions, I have been cowardly, I have hurt people and I have been dishonest...acknowledge me for my flaws because I have and from those I have learned the most in life. Secondly I don't want anyone to think differently about their relation to me just because I am gone, if i was not a good friend or an honest partner, a poor father or an inattentive teacher please be honest with yourself about that too. There is no need to have regret about any relation to me because I have already accepted you for who you are, and if loosing me brings feelings of regret or unfinished truths then accept that and change for yourself. I don't want anyone to do anything in my name after I am gone...if the person that I am inspires action the inspiration and motivation is that of the person left behind and I would hope that person could own it and live for themselves.

I want to acknowledge that throughout my life I have hurt people along the way, I think the nature of life makes it impossible to avoid this but I always find myself wishing it were possible to avoid it entirely. Some things I have done were very obviously hurtful and others may have been hurtful without me ever realizing it but for any and all things I may have done to hurt anyone I would like to apologies. If you feel that I ever hurt you in any way and I am unable to heal that breach for you before I go I want you to know that you have my most sincere apologies. In only a few instances have I ever wanted to hurt someone and in even fewer did I ever actually intentionally do so but in my life I certainly have felt guilt about those instances and wished many a time that I could have had the maturity to face my fears and insecurities and been able to live without having done any harm. So should I leave you behind with the need for an apology from me I certainly would have given it, meant it and hoped for your ability to heal from my infringement.

In the same way that I don't want my life to have any negative effect on others, I don't want my death to be used as a reason for greater suffering. I do not believe in retributive justice and I would not want it exacted on my behalf. Should someone take my life or be responsible for my death I want them to be absolved of any wrongdoing, I want them to come to my funeral and I want them to be forgiven by those I was taken away from. I would want them to be impacted honestly by what has happened, I would want them to know about the person I was and be able to be honest with them self about what they might feel about being responsible. I don't believe that in my life time our legal system will be able to take on this honest view of justice...so I would like to request it. No one can learn anything from life if it is taken away from them and unfortunately that is the approach we have chosen...to punish rather than teach, to take rather than giving and to retract rather than reaching out. Do not do this in my name. On the other hand should I die because of my own recklessness or carelessness please be honest about that as well. Feel the anger at me for not taking more care so that you may move on and not be conflicted because of my selfishness. Should I incur damage on someone else in my death through my own fault, own up to that for me and do whatever necessary with what I leave behind to make things right...the way things should be. Most of all if a horrible twist of 'fate' should end my life I don't want people trying to find a deeper meaning behind the circumstances, it is natural for life to end and it is a miracle that we are able to survive in this harsh universe at all, fatalistic epistemology will not heal the void left behind it will only blind you to the intrinsic value and power of living...so live instead.

I don't want there to be any religious undertones or overtones involved in my funeral, no readings from religious texts and I don't want people to speak of me as being in a better place. Religion has offered nothing in my life and I don't want it to be a part of my memory because I believe the only higher order above the chaos of the physical universe is the human mind which is bound by and exists only in this life. Moral principles and righteousness of living are the only higher law and relative good and evil in the world are a matter of human strength and choice, so any afterlife I might have would be how I am lived out in the minds of those I leave behind and the effect I have on their lives. It is my wish that when I pass away that there should be a viewing, assuming I am not disfigured in a way that would horrify and traumatize people, that my body should be available for viewing so that people may be in my presence physically if they need that. I don't want a big fancy coffin because I would definitely think that was a waste of money and I don't need to be buried in fancy cloths...I would much rather prefer something I was most comfortable in. I would like to be buried somewhere that people can come and visit should they need to, I find it comforting to know that some of those I have lost are resting in a tangible place and I can go there if I need to feel like I am in their presence.

As I said, there is no way to know when death will come, for anyone, and because of that there is no way to know who I will leave behind. In my life the thought of my own death has crossed my mind many times and I am sure it will many more before the end but each time it does the people in my life at the time are my greatest concern. Should I pass away before my parents do, before my partner and I get to do all the things we want in life, before my children are old enough know how to live without me, or too soon for anyone in my life to be prepared to move on I want anyone left behind to say 'goodbye.' I want people to move on from having lost me, be appreciative of their time with me for what it was. Should I leave my parents behind I want them to know they did the best they could and that I was grateful for them having provided me with life and opportunity. Should I leave a spouse behind I would want them to grieve for the loss then move on with the one life they have to live and find happiness even if that means finding it with someone else. Should I leave children behind I want them to always feel my love and I want that to give them strength and I want them to know that anything they do that is true to their heart and happiness I would be happy about. I hope anyone that I leave behind will have the strength to accept that I am gone and move on because more than anything I want happiness for everyone in life because I know that there is only so much time and that is all we have. I am not afraid that life will end and whenever and wherever mine does...I am ok with that.

Conversations on Companionship

2009-08-22T00:11:00.001-07:00

I have had a lot of conversations and thought a lot lately about companionship and friendship because there have been a number of situations and incidents that really have challenged me to consider the importance and meaning of the most common yet most important relationships in my life lately. I know that I really need people in my life that are supportive and understanding and the more the better...I draw so much energy from the health and happiness of those around me and I feel like since I moved back to Santa Cruz I really have been able to find that kind of kinship everywhere. I have however inadvertently done a few things that have jeopardized some of my friendships directly at times and indirectly at times but none the less.

One night this week I said something incredibly insensitive and it just happened to stripe one of my friends on a very personal level, offending and upsetting her horribly I am sure. When we spoke about it later she was gracious enough to understandingly accept my apologies and reassure me that I was not actually a terrible person, though I certainly felt so. Though there was some resolution in that things are not the same and the rapport and jovial comradeship that we shared before has changed. I absolutely understand the reasons behind that but what happened has really given me pause about the sensitivities of persons around me and the way I deal with uncomfortable situations.

I certainly fear at times what the future has to hold, mainly with respect to my relationships with others...women...and I think that perhaps flirting, outrageous/inappropriate and generally impersonal interactions are my way of dealing with that anxiety. It hurts in times like these though when I see what I think is just my personality causing a rift between me and someone I care about. I guess what is most troublesome about it is that with no ill intentions, judgment or pretense I still was being hurtful and it really made me sad to realize that. I suppose now that I have said all I can say in the way of sincere apologies I have to leave it up to forgiveness on her part.

There are so many delicacies in human relation and the negotiation of that reality is much more than just trying to be a good person, following your heart and choosing the right principals. The process of becoming an adult in all senses of the word is difficult when you are going it alone and you must negotiate the best choices of goal and action. I often find every fiber of my body telling me to do one thing when I know it is not what I want or not what I should do from a moral standpoint. I had to force my mind to accept the path that my heart really wanted regardless of the lack of external support. So I guess the negotiation is between my mind and the strategies it has learned over the years, my bodies drives and needs, the world around me and it's constraints, and chance...whatever she may bring.

I don't know if it is that I have been burned and had to rebuild so many times after relationships or if my first experiences were so bad that they damaged my ability to feel natural and open or honest in a relationship but I constantly feel that once a certain level of intimacy has been reached I can't keep myself from waffling about what to do or say. I have trouble being honest if that my truth is in any way counter to the desires or feelings of the other person and I key into others feelings easily often negotiating what I can tolerate with what they want. In the end this never works out well, but at some point I learned to put aside self-expression for fear of others pain or dissatisfaction and take on all the other persons shit allowing them to feel comfortable with me. It never works because eventually the reality becomes one sided and I find myself with nothing of my own and completely unable to speak of my own desires...uncertain of what they even are...and my resentment overpowers the majority of interactions.

I suppose there is no way to avoid the fact that in life I will cause others suffering and or pain of some kind because our needs and desires can not be the, no matter how similar they are or how much I love them. This truth does not make it any easier to face up to those situations where I must face the fact that who I am necessarily impinges on another persons life. At times I have chosen cowardice and sometimes even non-action or some other course of action that caused more damage than the course of honesty that I feared in the first place...I hope that the process of talking about these things will help me to forgive myself, move on, and be a bigger person in the future.

Moral Compromise

2009-08-17T16:18:00.000-07:00

I do not think that too many people go through their entire lives without doing something they know is wrong, had sworn not to do or would judge if someone else had done. I know in my life I have done some things that afterward made me question whether I was a good person. I have never really done anything horrible to anyone I don't think but there are instances where my actions have not been in keeping with what I hold in my mind as principled action.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what the real significance of these concepts are and I am probably too young to understand them entirely. However it seems to me that the reason why having strong moral principles would be so valuable is that you could feel secure in the rightness of your actions. You know that you have done the right thing and guilt would not be a factor. I think that guilt is an indication that you have violated some rule of right and wrong within yourself, so I suppose guilt is the indicator of moral compromise. I don't know if guilt is necessarily what I feel but I certainly have concerns about what damage could come from my actions.

It is scary in a way not to know what the possible outcome of your actions are, I like to think that I would never consciously do harm to others but in some cases I find myself putting my own needs or desires first. I don't really know how to feel about this...but doing something you have to lie about because of the repercussions of people knowing is a little unsettling. I like to think I am honest too and this kind of goes against that. For some reason I think it is a common reflex to conceal things for fear of the true consequences...but usually doing so only shifts the damage from whomever might get hurt by things being in the open to your self.

The most frustrating thing is that no matter how together I feel and confident I am about my direction and security in myself, I still do things that I might view as morally reprehensible. This is a bit of an impasse for me because I really don't know how to feel and I am not all that good at asking for guidance, for that matter I haven't really developed any relationships in which I feel greatly comfortable seeking advice.

Soul Mates

2009-08-14T14:47:00.000-07:00

There are not a lot of things that make me happier than seeing two people finding each other and themselves in their relationship with one another. I have seen friends go through good relationships and bad ones too, but in the last few years I have seen several of my friends find that person that they really were made to be with and what happens has blown my mind. I most certainly am not the all knowing judge of relational health but I have learned a lot in my lifetime about relationships, couples and attachment. In a lot of peoples eyes finding someone and creating a family or centralizing ones life around one's close relationships is of utmost importance and to that end I have seen people beg, canive, manipulate, play games, lie, barter, compromise, sacrifice and lay themselves by the wayside. The most frustrating however is to see two people that do not love each other hash out very detail and plan in their life for years because they believe the sanctity of the relationship or preventing suffering takes precedence over their complete fulfillment.

A few people I know though have found what I suppose one might call their soul mate and what I see in them has been quite a revelation for me. To see someone loose all of their anxieties, hangups and insecurities in a short while because they found someone that truly sets them free is like watching a miracle take place. I certainly believe that it is possible for a person to be whole without having a partner and perhaps to even be fulfilled in their life but the view I have gotten of personal growth, without the bounds of the all to common pitfalls that come with sharing your baggage with another, has really lifted my spirits. I wouldn't say that I was entirely pessimistic about the state of the post modern soul, but I found it hard at times to believe in a greater connection between people with so many indications of human destructiveness, avarice, and lack of compassion. I suppose like everything else great though, the meshing of souls is something that scares people and at the very least is extremely difficult to accomplish.

Like I said I am no guru but from what I have seen there are a few things that I believe to be true about a person in a relationship that falls in the 'meant to be,' 'soul mate' or 'fated' categories. For one a person should be able to be who they are, and by that I mean able to act the same when their partner is around as when they are not saying and doing what they want and if one or the other person does not like something the other does than perhaps that means they don't like one another for who they are and they should face that. Secondly couples should be able to provide a safe space for each other to express what they are feeling and not take it personally or tell the other person they should not feel one way or the other and if this is not possible perhaps that means either one may not be ready to face or handle that responsibility. Thirdly and most importantly I think people should find themselves growing in their relationships, and I mainly say this in the way of pointing out that harmony and comfort are not necessarily indicators of a good relationship rather than qualities of a metaphorical stalemate.

I do not mean to diminish anyone's relationship because each person has to learn and grow at their own rate, rather a frustration with people's willingness to settle and unwillingness to challenge themselves and the things in their lives. I see so much potential in people around me and it kills me to see it squandered on compromise to relationships that don't allow them to run free. Having seen now the potential for liberation and happiness in real partnerships I am more hopeful but more aware of the shortfalls. All of this being said I wish for each of my friends and family the experience of being set free of the world and of themselves through unconditional loving regard. Love you guys!

Instincts

2009-08-10T08:56:00.000-07:00

The first time the evolutionary-biological perspective on instincts and behavior was described to me I really appreciated the simplicity of it's explanation for human drives. When we are hungry we eat because we would not have survived without food, when we are cold we seek warmth or cover up, when we need love and affection we do...well that is not so clear cut I guess. I was chatting with a friend at work the other day about kids, she was saying that she has a really strong desire to have kids and when she is around them she can really feel that drive. I don't know what differences there are between men and women in that arena but I told her to hang on because in your late twenties it gets worse and worse. For the last couple of years I have had something equating to hunger pangs to nurture/play with/teach/adore/adopt kids and It is really something instinctual.

This is something of a huge development for someone like me that at many points in time has sworn that family and kids and marriage was never going to be for me...but apparently I can not deny my instincts. This was actually one of my major motivations for exploring therapy and initially taking a look at the things going on in my life. I remember being at the window watching a father and his daughter eating lunch and joking around, though I could not hear them I could tell that they had a great and fun relationship and I could sense the bond that they shared. At the time I was heartbroken because I truly felt at the time that I could never be that god of a father and would never be able to provide emotionally for kids because of all my undressed attachment issues. I feared that should I ever have kids I would scar them by being emotionally unavailable, passive aggressive and closed off and that really upset me to think that. I feel like I have grown a lot since then and though I might not be ready for child rearing necessarily, I think I am a better and more capable person from a personal and emotional standpoint.

Though I know I am not ready to be a father, I tell myself often that I am not ready to be interested in anyone as a partner either when the instinct to 'mingle' is strong as ever. I know that we are social beings and to couple and share ones life is the strongest urge of all. It is a dilemma for me right now that my body and my heart are screaming out to seek affection and intimacy when I know that I am still conflicted and confused by relationships past. I know life can't really be planned but I think it is fair to make decisions that are in the best interests of your plans and goals and being alone is my decision...I believe that to be what is best for me right now. That being said I constantly crave closeness and intimacy...so much so that I dream intensely about it at night.

I have had several dreams lately about having intensely romantic experiences and I know those come up because of my desire to have that in my life. The first one I remember was about an ex-girlfriend from my past and we were laying on the couch holding each other and in my dream I know that I felt very strong feelings of love stemming from the intimate affections. The more recent one though was about a close friend and it was more about that initial phase of attraction...the first static charged intertwining of the fingers and the overwhelming warmth of the first loving embrace. This left me a little flustered for a day or two cause you always feel a little awkward around someone after you have a romantic dream about them. This is however why I appreciate the perspective I take on human instincts.

The romantic meanderings of one's dreams, I believe, are not really about the people and objects in them but about the situations and feeling the dreams flush out. So it is not that I was fantasizing about my ex or about my good friend, but my mind was conjuring up images to go along with my desire for the affections and emotions associated with a deep and powerful relationship. In another way I am not craving intense intimate interactions with either of these women but I am craving the companionship and my mind pasted what images it had over those feelings. I still hold true to the belief that I wont be ready for a serious relationship any time soon, but it is nice to know that the colossal failure that is my love life to this point has not completely destroyed my instinct to love and to bond with someone.

Exhaustion

2009-08-07T14:54:00.000-07:00

Training is going well so far, but I forgot how difficult is was to keep up a full time schedule. There have been days and there certainly have been mornings where my mind and body have been telling me 'You can't go for a run right now you are worn out.' or 'You should go back to sleep, you need it.' As a rule I try to listen to what my body says because I believe that to be the best way to be healthy and get the best performance out of my physical self. This new schedule however and my goals as I see them seem to require me to go beyond that principal however. That is primarily because to become better I have to stretch what my body is capable of, that is the only way to get it to adapt and become more powerful or faster. It seems however to be my body's instinct however to prevent me from going into that zone of stretched ability and mental uncertainty.

This process is certainly forcing me to live in a gray area a lot of the time. Having to plan ahead for the week to make sure I get in enough hours and enough food, having to skirt the number of daylight hours, having to rush to get from pool to work and work to bike and it is fun in some ways but certainly stressful. I get this feeling fairly often just before a workout or during a workout where I believe that I will not be able to actually make it to the end, or I won't be able to perform well during the workout. I am not sure what that feeling is, fear of some kind I am sure, but there have been so few workouts in my life that I have actually not been able to finish that I don't know where it comes from.

I do make concessions during the week fairly often; I will sleep in and swim by myself later rather than doing morning practice, I won't do the extra loop on this ride because I am doing enough miles this week and so forth, which I am vigilant about affecting my total workloads and training progress. On the other hand I think that my dreams run away with my training plans some times which perhaps means that my body is just giving me a reality check. In my head I want to ride four hundred miles, run forty five and swim 25,000 a week...but realistically that would be like forty hours a week of training and I know that to be ludicrous. Having a training log has been very helpful in this aspect because it keeps me honest about how much I am doing.

All in all my body seems to be adapting well to the new types of workouts and workloads, I am little uncomfortable that I have to ingest stuff like GU and sports drink to endure some of the tougher and longer workouts. It is an unnatural process though, endurance sport training, so I guess you have to do unnatural things to your body to get through it.

So It Begins

2009-08-01T19:08:00.000-07:00

It is up to me now...this is what I wanted, to be independent and on my own to pursue what I really want to do, so why now all of a sudden do I feel so worn down and less hopeful about my ability to accomplish my goals? My mother and I talked endlessly about my ex-girlfriend yesterday and I think perhaps revisiting what happened...my cowardice, the loss and all the unresolved feelings and unanswered questions...just exhausted me. Having only had to worry about myself the last few weeks allowed me to get into a rhythm of focusing on my goals for myself but things yesterday really challenged what if anything I might still need or want out of that relationship. Having that question in the forefront of mind makes it hard to connect to my personal goals and direction.

I know that it is human nature to seek companionship, affection and of course love and the lack of that in my life since we separated certainly leaves me with a void. Inside me something still feels like she is what is missing, so when she comes to mind or I tell a story about something we did or anything reminds me of her the loss feels like a wound being reopened. In reality I have no idea what I would say to her if I had the chance, or what I would want out of a reconciliation but I am still drawn and there is nothing to be done about that I don't think. In this arena it feels like I am at a stalemate for now.

What is most frustrating is that I slip so easily into thinking more about the obstacles and possible pitfalls and shortcomings that will get in my way in the course of trying to realize the goals that I have set for myself. Only last week i was dreaming so big and felt like there were no limits to what I could accomplish, and now I can't stop thinking about reasons why I can't make it where I want to get. It feels like I am finally at a point in my life where the proportion of my time that I spend lost is less than the proportion I spend knowing where I am headed, but these frustrating times when things seem impossible or I don't feel capable are still frustrating. What Molly said, which was surprisingly all-encompassing was 'You don't expect progress [of moginv on] to be linear do you?' I don't suppose I do most of the time because I know well the rise and fall of things but I think that helped a lot to think about it in that way.

This week is important as it is my first week working full time and living on my own, but it is also the first week in my new training block and it is important that I get in the workouts I need this week and it is already hard to get myself out the door. The toll these feelings take is hard to bare sometimes as they immediately take precedence in my mind over everything else. I remember now why keeping a positive mind set is difficult, why keeping faith is difficult and I hope that once I get into a normal rhythm with work and coaching things will feel more manageable.

In An Instant

2009-07-22T21:20:00.000-07:00

I had a strange moment the other day that I didn't realize would be such a significant one for this week. There is always a certain level of tension involved in descending any mountain road on your bike because realistically a patch of gravel or hard burst of wind or poor breaking could cause instantaneous contact of the pavement with your ass or face at 20-50 miles an hour. Once you have had the high speed road rash experience it is impossible to shake and so you always ride with that reality close at hand. It makes it a lot worse when cars and motorcycles buzz you at a close distance as if you were a huge inconvenience and their abrupt movements on the roadway are their way of taking their frustrations out on you. It takes it to another level when people swerve at you or throw something at you because you know that if something went wrong, they might get a scratch on their car but you could be dead just as easily.

I was descending Soquel Old San Jose on Wednesday afternoon and was staying close to the roadside because there was a decent amount of traffic and I like to be courteous in case someone notices it and decides to be nicer to bikers in the future. On a long strait section-40+mph-a guys blows by close with his window down and yells "Out of the road faggot!" Normally I might have shrugged that one off or waved a friendly hello to be a smart ass, but for some reason I flew instantly and without thinking into a fit of rage. I threw the bird and one good expletive after him and then barred down hard on the bottom bracket and drilled the next chicane of turns. Most people don't realize that on windy roads bikes can get down a lot faster than cars. I was coming up behind him with my best Hannibal Lector face to make sure he saw me in the rear view. The road straitened out and rolled up a bit and he pulled away, and I don't know what I really would have said, though I can think of a few choice words in retrospect.

The truth is that roads are a dangerous place especially if you don't have a couple of tons of metal protecting you and if I had been less experienced that little stunt might have caused me to crash out. I don't know what it is about the road and being on it or having to share it with others who for unexplainable reasons don't always do what you want/expect them to, but people so quickly let out their frustrations on any inconvenience and cyclists get a huge amount of that harassment. I am the first to admit that there are a large number of cyclists that disobey traffic laws and right-of-ways and that is frustrating for sure but that in no way justifies hating all cyclists and assuming that we are all discourteous obstacles. I have been hit a few times...three times because people did not check before turning or pulling out or over and that just made me a more conscientious rider. I know where the danger areas are and I avoid them, I make myself seen and I obey the law and I stay pretty safe because of that, but the anger and stupidity of people that do not realize the implications of their actions on the road is still a constant threat.

The day after my encounter, my good friend got plowed into on the freeway...a guy hit him on his motorcycle and dragged him a hundred yards then just took off. It was a few hours from when I initially heard about it to when I could get reliable info about how he was doing and I tried not to fear the worst but it is hard not to. I know how bad the pavement can tear you up at high speeds, I know the intensity of vehicular impact when you are unprotected, and I know what it is like to have a young person with unlimited potential taken from this life way before his time. I am glad that his injuries all sound like he will recover from them but I am so pissed off that this kind of thing has to happen. I think most of my frustration boils down to a lack of community. For some reason people turn their destructive energy on each other so easily and so often and I don't understand why they can't see that we are all essentially brothers and sisters and that negative force tares our society apart.

So maybe on the road is a good place to start thinking about us all as a community, looking out for each other, doing the right thing because it is in all our best interests and to all of our benefit...but mostly just treating everyone around us with respect and courtesy. Be safe out there.

Sensitivites

2009-07-20T17:00:00.000-07:00

It is hard to imagine another persons perspective entirely and sometimes I feel funny giving advice because I think that each person really has to decide about things in their lives, and I don’t want someone to take my advice if it is not what is best for them and what they would really want for themselves. Choice is a funny thing I guess, when most of ours are really made for us before hand, and I fear constantly that people are so willing to give up their freedom of choice that they will take advice or perspective from someone they trust and adopt it rather than arrive at something on their own. My problem is that I am constantly tuning into peoples feelings and states of mind, probably as a way to try and predict what is coming and be able to plan for it, so much so that I often am not even aware of my own feelings or thinking until I go back and think about it afterward. I often stumble over my words and loose what I am saying or don't know what to say and revert to humor or something around new people and people who's opinions really matter to me because I am tuning into them and leaving my'self' behind.

I suppose that this behavior is not entirely uncommon or much of a mystery. I imagine that the children of most alcoholics become hyper-sensitive to the emotional states of others as a coping mechanism to deal with the unpredictability and instability of the emotions of their parent. I certainly think that this is in fact the case for me as I can't understand my fathers mood swings, brash defensiveness and self-assured sense of persecution from every which way. I should not say that I don't understand it because having learned more about his family history (divorce, alcoholism, emotional abandonment) I can draw the picture in my mind how he developed his own patterns that in and of themselves resisted challenge over the years and probably prevented him from having any idea how to deal with a spark-plug-kid like me. Knowing this however does not keep me from being disappointing that he can't put his own shit aside when I am hurting or confused or lost and provide a space for me to feel like I have a home where I can work things out.

I feel like I am actually at a strange point where I could turn my back and take what he has said for what he really feels, in that case I would feel no obligation to do the hard work on these issues we have been having. I know he is resistant to hashing out and facing the reasons why there is so much tension in his life and our relationship and I wonder how much I might actually take from it...fearing also that he may get more defensive and resentful than he is already. On some level though I keep thinking that there is noting more valuable in my life like the relationships with my parents and on some level I am convinced that my whole life the thing I have been seeking is reconciliation of the turmoil of my childhood and my relationship with my parents. As if healing those connections would bring harmony to all of my current and future attachments and my inner conflicts about any number of things.

A part of me is resentful and feels betrayed and so is resistant to wanting to put any effort into healing my family relationships, though I don't remember when I began to wear that on my sleeve and push back. I am sure that though my rebellion, though it was a reaction to the instability that I sensed at home, was taken at times as me being difficult and pushing my parents away...but I wish they could have recognized what was going on...and I wish we could have gotten along. I feel like I was so lost for so long and there were so many situations and challenges that would have been inconsequential had I been more secure, yet each ended up feeling like the end of my world. I know I should not live in the past and I feel that lately I have been more content with the present and hopeful about the future but when these issues come up I can't help my childish defenses from springing up.

This is a real crossroads for me because I don't really have a good way to approach it yet and I am anxious an uncertain about the future, not just what it mush be but also what I want it to be. I desperately need to begin building a life for myself and I feel like that is a real possibility for me now...but I am drawn back to these issues of my past that I want to deal with as well. My therapist says that there is no reason why I can't do both or all of the things I want but I generally have trouble tackling multiple personal challenges at a time and I desperately do not want to sacrifice progress in either arena. I am glad that I have moved on from some of my tuning issues and can separate my needs from those of others...unfortunately though I no longer have to make decisions like this one based on how other people feel and what they want or think they want, I must figure the answer out for myself.

I am not certain that this is much of a philosophy but it is the way I have explained some of my difficult decisions in the past. I know I am going to make some mistakes or wrong turns and probably some downright bad decisions in my life, but the truth is that one way or another you have to make a choice. For to long in many situations I just resisted making any decision and deferred to my significant other or submitted to the overbearing needs or desires of someone else and the one thing I do know is that I can live with making a mistake but trying to live a life for the needs of others is something I can't live with any more, and I still regret not realizing the importance of that long ago.

Continue Dreaming

2009-07-17T16:47:00.000-07:00

I know that at times my writings and opinions can be a little heavy/dark/depressing but that is part of my life, I have struggled with demons at times that I thought I might never conquer and I have spent some time depressed. Today however was not one of those days. I caught up with some old friends last night and though I did not get a lot of sleep, I think that really rejuvenated my spirits. The last few days had been a little rough, feeling sluggish on the road and in the water but today my energy was back and out on my long run of the week I really felt like I was floating. Perhaps when you are on a high and feeling good in training, that is not necessarily the best time to be setting goals but it is difficult not to with the confidence of good mid season results and legs that seem to be improving by the week. Dreams of ITU and colored rings start floating through my head and they carry me even faster on down or up the road.

I keep telling myself I will see how the next race goes and always hope that I will have such an incredible result that my big break will come and I will be able to have the confidence to know I can achieve great things. One of my best friends told me the other day that I should not think like that because essentially, if I am not expecting great success then I am expecting to fail. I don't believe that I expect to fail, though I know that fear is not far from my mind, but I certainly do hold myself back from believing in myself too much. Too many times I have felt the sting of falling short of my dreams or having them dashed by self doubt or loss of faith because of the nay-sayings of others. It has been a struggle to convince myself that what I choose to do, I choose for me and not just to show people that they should have believed in me or that I am unique and capable of great things. But on a day like today I really feel these motivations coming up from within, independent of anyone else's perspective.

I think one of the things I like most about the sports I choose, are the moments of solitude where everything gets wiped away with the sweat and lactic acid, leaving you striped bare and honest. I have had a few moments like this on long rides where I feel like everything gets left behind or lifted off and there is nothing left but the joy of slicing through the air and rolling down a humming cadence effortlessly, like being in harmony with what you were born to do. Other times, after a huge effort like a long classic-style road race I have been so drained of energy that it has left me bare of most of my usual concerns and preoccupations and the smallest things break through and have a huge impact on me...sappy love songs, adorable animals, small children...it is a nice feeling to be left with raw emotion like that sometimes and see the potential for empathy, gratitude and perception I really do possess.

I guess when I say that I love to race or train that is what I am talking about, or at least why I feel the way I do about it. Not just that it provides perspective on other things in life, in terms of making other things seem less tough in comparison, not just that I meet amazing and interesting people through which I learn and share so much, but that often the experiences in competition and training provide a window for me into who I am. It felt for a long time that I had no real idea who I was and when a challenge or question came my way from someone else I often fumbled over external definitions to explain myself. Through many processes-training, therapy, failure, study and internal/external search included-I feel much more confident in the process of trusting my instincts, not logic or advice or expectations but what I think or feel by intuition. The only reason I can say that I am confident that my 'heart' if you will, can give me guidance is that I believe, despite great evidence to the contrary, that human instinct is essentially benevolent and if your guide has the best intentions, you can't go wrong.

Lost

2009-07-15T21:29:00.001-07:00

I had a moment the other night when I woke up in a panic, someone had died in my dream I think, and the feelings that came along with the initial shock had piggie-backed on my brain out of unconsciousness. When you feel something that real it is hard to write it off and hard not to have a lingering worry that perhaps what you dread has actually come true. This has been a frequent occurrence for me lately, getting a feeling that something bad has happened to someone and it does not take much to set it off. If my mother says she will be home at a certain time and that time has passed by an hour or so I start to worry that something has happened, and jump directly to what if I am going to "What amd I going to do if she is dead?" This happens to me with old friends, my sister, my parents...but this time it was my ex-girlfriend and the overwhelming anxiety of all the things gone unsaid and my continuing inner conflict over our circumstance was lit on fire by the immediate force of worrying that she had passed on.

Death has passed through my life fairly regularly in the last several years and it seems that the most difficult part for people left behind besides the obvious void, is dealing with the questions from an unresolved closure. Loss of any kind can come on significantly different terms depending on the situation and I am finding that it is difficult to be without regret when loss has come to me. I didn't say this or that, I didn't get to know a person better, I didn't give a person a second chance and once that person is gone from your life for one reason or another you are forced to deal with the 'why didn't I's' and the 'I could have's.' I certainly wish I would have gotten to know my grandparents and my great grandmother better, I lost all of them in the last five years and I certainly wish I would have gotten to know Ian better before we lost him. I should have talked more with my uncle Tim as I certainly had the oppertunity, and I know he could have used someone to talk to. I know that not only my life but others as well would be and could have been better off had I approached things differently and dealt with things differently.

Friendships that faded or ended outright, relationships that I tore down or crumbled on their own, and family that I felt a lack of connection with that I never put in the effort to build a relationship with. I know that so many times I have told myself in some way or another..."I will just act like I am disapointed/resentfull/untrusting of this or that person and they will see how I am feeling." Often leading to me just being disapointed/resentfull/untrusting when someone either did not pick up on what I was doing or were made uncomfortable and became even less inclined to undderstand how I was feeling. I know everyone learns to express themselves as a function of their environment, and their methods are dictated by whatever strategy best copes with their situation but my strategy has always put the weight, at least in my head, squarely on my shoulders. It is no wonder that I have so many times found myself isolated and feeling seperate, different, estranged from others. Which is not a good place to be.

The most crushing loss in the last few years though was the suicide of a close family friend. He was like a first cousin to me, so young and such a vibrant person, and his loss certainly sent shock waves through the entire comunity of my childhood. When I first spoke with my mother the night she found out she was most concerned because she often did not know what was going on with me, and the reality that loss could come at any time really made that disconnect more obvious for her. What shook me most about the loss, beyond the heartache of my family and friends and the lifelong struggle that his family will never be able to live down, was that in my own struggle I had at times idealized suicide as a simultaneous release of all the burdens of this world and a vengefull "fuck you" to people that I felt didn't care about my feelings.

I don't know how I first got the idea but I know as an asolecent, when thinggs got really rough, I would tell myself that all I had to do was end it and I could get back at the people I was mad at and they could no longer be in denial about the fact that I was suffering. I don't think that I ever took it really seriously though at times I would strike things or myself in frustration as if I felt there was no other way out of the hopeless confusion and turmoil of life but to destroy this body, to end the life that I felt was such a burden. Over the years since then I have learned a lot about the joys in and value of life and I have been able to let go of the notion that life had little meaning and that my own was of no importance to anyone. Adam's suicide however brought backa lot of memories about screaming at myself that it wouldn't matter if I were dead, or that my death would 'show everyone' and that was a very intense experience for me.

I think that the worst part of youth that few people acknowledge is that by law of nature, the younger you are, generally the longer you have to live, and the more people you are going to loose in your life...either through death or through the tribulations of life. I know that loss is one of the processes through which we learn the most about life and the most about ouselves, but I think too often it is a subject sidestepped and avoided in our culture. You hear phrases like 'life is preacious,' 'don't wait until it is too late,' and 'live in the moment' without realizing that they get their meaning from the subtext that...life is finite and you will loose it some day...if you don't take advantage of being honest and awaare opertunity for happiness will pass you by...and that this is all there is and holding out for greener pastures is in reality just wasting the life you have right now. Unfortunately nothing is permanent, but strangely that truth is what gives most great things in life their value...even knowing that, I still find it hard to keep myself from chewing over regret and fearing the future.

Though it is a sruggle I try every day to reamin hopefull, about the life that I am living and the work that I am doing, because hope is one of the few tools that I have found that helps stave of the hopelesness of impermenance.

Nothing if not Shared

2009-07-14T16:25:00.000-07:00

Going into this endeavor, I knew that people would eventually read some of what I was writing and that was inevitable. I am not worried about people hearing what I have to say, anymore, though I hope that anyone who takes time out to peruse my endless rantings will retain perspective. I am certain that what I may write at times will probably offend some people, I know it will probably upset others at some point, but all I hope is that if anyone chooses to read it it will at least make them think. I certainly will benefit more from having gone through the process of writing it than anyone could ever get from reading any of it, and that is why I am doing it. So for the outsider consider this a peak into my journal, it might not be coherent or interesting but it will be honest and personal...so take it or leave it, but it is me...undeniably.

I have had a number of conversations about blogging and tweeting in the past weeks - some in good humor and some serious - and there is no denying that the phenomenon of electronic instant status/opinion-sharing has once again used technology to shorten the gap between those removed by geography. There are certainly some benefits and things that I enjoy about it but like everything else it is being exploited and providing justification for people to vomit up their personal bullshit in a public forum. Not that what I am doing is not some form of that, but I certainly am not in it for attention or shock value. That being said the few people that have responded about my first couple of postings have been very supportive and that has been a relief. Mainly because when I put something out into the world there is always a voice in the back of my head that worries what I am feeling is ludicrous or does not make sense, but also because it gets lonely inside my head sometimes.

It has been a bad tendency of mine for some time to brood about stuff to myself and I have discovered that this is a bad habit for two reasons. No matter how good something sounds in your head, you can only supply one opinion and it is easy to convince yourself of something that is not necessarily the best resolution. Secondly and more importantly I have found no matter how much you tell yourself something you never know how you will feel until it is out in the open, even just saying something you think you have been feeling along out loud might help you realize that you feel something totally different. This is one of the major reasons I thought it might be helpful to write things down. I certainly still slip into that habit from time to time and allow myself to stew things in my head but it is something that I am working on.

The worst part of this tendency of mine is that it drastically effects how I feel about a lot of things and people. As a basic template for the progression, it goes: feel strongly about someone, discover conflict, self censor due to fear of rejection/argument, submit to others resolution, say nothing, stew until resentment ensues, wonder where original feelings went. It is a killer mostly because I end up either blaming myself for the resulting turmoil or even worse I explain the problems away as a result of some personal defect of my own, and then look for flaws in myself that might offer an explanation. I am certain I have been doing this sort of thing for years, all the way back to some of the earliest conflicts with my father, so it is not a surprise that it has taken me a long time to sift through so many layers of complexes.

So all of this probably has something to do with my hesitancy in voicing my goals and desires, and so far I feel like writing this blog has been helping with that. To be able to put whatever I need out there has certainly helped me to feel more confident in the validity of my goals and desires. It has also been helping in keeping me confident in my process; I was out for a run this morning and it was just one of those days when the body feels like a big bag of rocks and keeping a realistic view of where I am at (mid training) and the speed of progress (slow) was much easier because I have set, understand and believe in my goals. I think the concept being similar to what Christopher McCandless discovered in his journey of solitude, that joy is nothing if not shared...and through my writings I feel a lot more like my soul is being shared and in doing so being invigorated and allowing me to live free and with my personality on the outside instead of churning up on the inside.

Rest Days

2009-07-13T16:27:00.001-07:00

Even if you are the kind of athlete-or person-that hates to take them, we all need rest days or periods. If you do not rest, eventually you will not have a choice as your body or emotions or both will break down. I always tell my swimmers that rest is as important if not more important than work, a concept that is often lost on masters swimmers when they are to focused on keeping up a certain number of yards or keeping up with certain people. I think that this is probably a function of their primary motivations for exercise which usually is maintenance. I know as a long time observer that with the same amount of work, perhaps less even, most people could improve vastly. Though maintenance, regularity and an unchanging self are such coveted ideals in most peoples lives that improvement and progression might feel threatening rather than exhilarating.

This, I feel is representative of one of my major problems with what has become of the American dream, complacency. To carve out a niche and routine that will force you to spend the majority of your life performing weekly with almost no variation or room for growth in the hopes that after 35 years you will have enough money to have supported your family and "retire." What is that? Like there should be a point in our lives when we become stagnant comfort mongers? I detest this idea mostly because I know it to be a false security. I know that on a path like that, when one retires, they will have to either figure out what they really want to do with the life given to them or do nothing. I wish the resources of our society had been better managed over the years so that what you want to do and what you were passionate about were achievable for each and every citizen...not only would we have colonies on every planet on the solar system, we could have cured disease, hunger and poverty a hundred times over.

I am sure that my enjoyment of a relatively responsibility free life probably sways me into this mind set more than is realistic, and If I had a family and people depending on me I would probably feel differently. It just weighs on me to see so many people dedicating huge chunks of their lives to toil, accumulation of material wealth and desperate self definition in superficial terms. Some times I wish I could just not care about consequences and principles and be content working full time and having bills and mortgage, but I know already how unhappy that would make me. More so I wish I could pick people up and shake their silly dependencies out of their heads like so much water stuck in after a swim. My biggest gripe I guess is that our culture is set up for people to live this way and to not do so makes it much harder to live an engaged life. On days when I have no major workouts planned and I am in recovery mode all of this stuff becomes more obvious because relative to most other people I am sure that the way I am living appears lazy and self serving. But if I stick to that my principles, I guess I have to learn to be contented with having an "unusual" life, and as always keep up hope that things work out in the end.

Insufficient Parts

2009-07-12T13:46:00.000-07:00

Now is as good a time as any to address the dilemma that feels like it has been plaguing my life since before I can remember. Relationships are a tough, for everyone I know, even those people that have great ones will tell you that work and compromise is not easy no matter how good a relationship you have. This applies not just to romantic relationships but those with your coworkers, friends, family for sure, and anyone that has any significance in your life...even some times people that don't.

I remember the first time that I fell in love...it was as if I had left the physical world behind and everything around me had a shimmer of magic to it. I was completely overwhelmed by the intensity of what I was engaged in, in a good way but I certainly did not know how to differentiate between myself and the relationship. When things got rocky and we began taking our own issues out on each other I took it all to heart and it crushed me, so it is no wonder that I came out the other end with some skewed views on women, emotions and relationships, not to mention myself. I am sure that it did not help that my current support system was dominated by a bunch of equally naive and hormone throttled teenage boys.

Though I had several relationships following that I took me a while to really trust and be vulnerable again. The second time I fell it was surreal, because I was surprised to have gotten the girl I had been crushing on for a while, I know I thought on some level that she was way too cool for me. It was surreal to be so happy and secure in trusting and caring about someone, and in retrospect I certainly let my inner crazy out all together. I am certain that had at least a little to do with her not feeling the same way and letting me go when she moved on to other things, I was so crushed and I remember feeling totally helpless that I had found someone that made my life so much better and that I could not be with her for reasons totally out of my control. This time though I was alone to toil through the confusion and frustration as most of my friends had moved off to college and I was not much good at turning to people for help.

After that I tried doing all the right things for a girlfriend, I tried playing the part girls I liked wanted me to play, I fell in love with a friend and never said anything only to have her marry another friend, and not until I got a real fresh start in my life did I meet someone that challenged me and supported me in a way that made it possible for me to love again. I suppose it was inevitable that things would be tough as I really had not dealt with any of these past experiences and I brought all of that baggage to this new and powerful relationship. Again the frustrations and conflict of significant emotional entanglement cropped up, and under uncertain circumstances I agreed to see someone about my personal issues. Though I certainly gained immense insight from that experience it also revealed reasons why that relationship was wrong for me and loss ensued again.

Though this time I had been given the gift of personal insight and my freedom of spirit and expression sent me headlong into a new and intense connection where I had no inhibition and I fell so hard, developing a connection greater than I knew was possible. I threw away all of my boundaries in search of true intimacy, and though the love I felt from such freedom and honesty gave new meaning to each breath and moment as if I were experiencing life for the first time, with my boundaries and inhibition went my sense of self and I found myself right back where I started. In a relationship of such intense love that I felt as if I could not live without the person...to the point where I wept when we would part...but forced to compromise many of my life decisions with a person of greater conviction and purpose. Unknowingly I gave away much of what I cared about, probably because I had never been honest with myself about what I valued and wanted in life. My own lack of direction and confidence had left me with nothing of the life I wanted and no one to blame for it but my significant other, and it is no surprise that the resentment I felt tortured me every second of every day. Knowing and feeling so much love and hatred simultaneously wore so heavily on me that my sense of self worth took a nose dive and chronic depression ensued.

Though for many reasons I am sure that how I dealt with that situation was the worst possible way, I am sure that hopelessness seldom yields logical and constructive decisions and I can only hope that the damage I did is not permanently significant and can be reconciled. I certainly feel inner conflict, guilt and longing in my soul every day from that loss but that is the way things are and to be expected I suppose. Though this narrative leaves me in a difficult place, I am glad that I have developed the tools to learn from the past and that I have recognized some of my weaknesses. I certainly have learned an incredible amount about life and an awful lot more about myself and other people through all of my relationship experiences and I would never wish a different life.

I suppose that all the turmoil I have felt in the past, mostly because of relational discord, is what gives me such a desire to turn a corner in my life these days. I know that I am not a bad person but It certainly feels like I have been getting in my own way so badly and for so long that at some point I will have learned enough lessons to allow my life to progress. I do feel though that these days I have come into enough understanding of self and that who I am and what I want can finally be my center, so hopefully I won't put all of my needs for grounding and direction on someone else. Though I know I still have issues to work through, as I am sure we all do and will if we continue to grow, I feel good about the perspective I have gotten from life so far and I have faith that the person life has made of me has something significant to offer.

Great Traditions

2009-07-11T14:16:00.001-07:00

I finally got out on a group ride today that had not been given up on and did not have any riders that were impossible to keep up with. I had been so disappointed when I showed up for the piggies market ride and no one showed, it had always been such a dependable hammer-fest and in my eyes an infallible Santa Cruz tradition. I pulled up on Erick and asked him, as I know he has been riding in Santa Cruz forever, what had happened. Apparently the combination of weekly beatings by one or two great riders and the availability of the Giro Ride had slowly dwindled the attendance and I just happened to get out on a bad week. But today a great group of riders gathered for the Harbor Ride, another great Santa Cruz tradition, and I got to catch up with some of the old crew of regulars. All riding strong and all as friendly as ever, all wondering whether I was back and what I was up to, I got the added pleasure of having Ben Jacques-Maynes attack while I was making a pull on the front. That shattered the group with people dropping back everywhere and everyone else looking around as if to say 'Who wants to try and pull back that group lead by one of the strongest guys in the country?' A spirited leg-crushing chase by all of the strong local riders brought things a little closer together, only to have Taylor Tolleson come flying from somewhere behind us to blow by everyone in the last three hundred meters. It is fun to see those guys work! I went off to aromas for some good steady tempo work with a smaller group of masters guys through the beautiful east county roads.

I really enjoyed when Erick was telling me about how some of these group rides first got started and how they picked the courses. Apparently group rides used to pack fifty and sixty guys during the week and more than one hundred on the weekends, and still retained great community. Though the rides are smaller now and competitiveness has not completely replaced comradeship, some of the masters guys say they really feel like group riding has unfortunately succumbed somewhat to the impersonal and combative tendencies that plague many peoples mind sets now a days. I love to work hard and there is nothing better than going toe to toe in a tough ride and challenging each other, but not because I have something to prove or because I want to be better than everyone around me, it is because I enjoy the work and being able to share it with people. The mutual sense of accomplishment shared in difficult workouts and competitions, chatting with friends and seeing others progress, strength and humor, that is community and I do so appreciate it.

I do not know if the kind of people that gravitate to a place like Santa Cruz are unique similar to me or if, like me, Santa Cruz brings certain qualities out in people, but it is so nice to be able to jump into a group ride and be surrounded by people that take interest in their community and it's members. I think that I am a small town person and the aspects of Santa Cruz that still retain a small town feel really speak to me. It is not much of a surprise that our country votes and spends in a non communal way when so much emphasis is put on personal property, self gratification and convenience. I feel so lucky to have been able to live in a place like this where I could experience the value of community first hand, and I think that may be where my desire to encourage change in the way we think has come from.

It is so frustrating to me to see people looking for reasons to distinguish others from themselves, and clinging so hard to their group identities. From any overarching standpoint (economic, spiritual, political) we are all connected and dependent upon one another and I think that is the one truth that defines many of my views on life. I think that if we could think of ourselves as a community, on a national scale at least to start, that would change a lot of things for the better. But there are so many institutions in place that on some level or another that by definition divide us and people buy into anything that will provide answers for them, even if he answers are totally absurd, even if they are not answers at all. Just because something has been around forever, just because millions of people believe it, just because something lets you off the hook does not make it the truth.

In a lecture on the origins of democracy I remember hearing a discussion about the link between truth and freedom, essentially stating that freedom is impossible without truth. That has obviously been lost somewhere along the way, as it seems most people buy into whatever truths have the best sales pitch. Strangely I guess those that are most opposed to accepting change and diversity are the most dependent upon their loathed enemies. What would the Jihadist do without the Infadel? What would the Arian Brotherhood do without people of color? That is the thing about institutions of any kind, ideologies, countries, companies, they are all innately invested in self preservation and I guess that is what scares me so much about the way we live. None of this stuff is real...but for many of us institutions define for us many of the choices we make and the way we live our lives.

With the economic downturns of late the greatest loss of all is that much of the financial burden will fall upon the budgets of our schools. Public education struggles as it is to enlighten the minds of each new generation and with less support going to that cause, I fear for what will emerge next as a substitute for choice and self reliance. Educating our young people and giving them true freedom through liberation of mind is the one tradition that we absolutely can not afford to loose. A community can not be built from the top down; 'if we save GM and Wall Street they will take care of us', it must be built from the bottom up; if we invest our resources in the infrastructure of the community (education, sustainable energy and food, community welfare) our well-being will flourish in a natural way.

Of all the places I have been in my life I have never felt so connected in so many ways as I do in Santa Cruz and seldom have I cared so much about the health of the community and environment. Perhaps that means this is the place for me, but in the spirit of the life I am trying to live all I need to know is that I am happy here and have something to offer back...and I don't know what else I could ask for. Perhaps my constant concern about the future, my path, my definable goals should be secondary to finding happiness and purpose in my life right now. I know that sounds like a simple thing and but I would argue with all the Shit to wade through in life these days that really is not the case. Though I feel like I have seen and experienced a lot in my life I know that I have only scratched the surface and in the tradition of the great adventurers and pioneers of freedom I hope to blaze my own path, with wits and principles strong enough to guide me along the way.

In The Beginnig

2009-07-10T18:39:00.000-07:00

The beginnings and the endings in life...of conversations and relationships, of work and projects, of practices and races, of days and years...all carry with them a transition. I can not count how many times I have heard lately, "It's ok you are at a tough transition point right now." I also can not count the number of endings and beginnings that brought me to where I am today but I am certain that the future is going to look very little like the past and depends entirely upon the choices I make today.

It is in that spirit that I begin this blog, in the hopes that speaking directly about my experiences will keep me honest with myself and others, and at the same time provide me with an outlet for whatever it is I need to let go of. I expect that at times this may get a little rocky and brutal but life is that way some times and one should not pretend otherwise. I think one of the greatest problems with contemporary culture is the constant substitution of image for characer and the shift away from the passionate struggle life should be, to the provision of definitions and choices for ones life from abstract sources like popular culture and any significant economic force. I would love to live a life devoid of false choices and commercial bombardment, free from dependence upon mass production and conformity and some day I might be able to make that happen, but for now I hope that I can life my life with as much truth and goodness as is possible.

So with honesty as the goal then I am trying to view my current situation as a clean slate, as a jumping off point with only my imagination and desire to point the way. As my ultimate goal I would love to be able to incur enough sponsorship to be able to train full time and have racing triathlons be my job. It has been years that I have wanted this and not because I think it would be cool, but because training and racing is what I rally love to do and why shouldn't one be able to pursue their dreams? Being back in Santa Cruz the past week has really rejuvinated my need to get my life on a track that is my own as living at home has been too much of a step back. I do so appreciate my friends letting me stay with them for a while, being able to taste the bitter sweetness of independent life again has certainly helped me out of my hole and given me hope about my futures well being.

So going into my second week I hope that I can make good on finding posible employment and housing to return to the place where I feel most at home and where making my dreams a reality on my own might be a possibility. I don't know how things are going to turn out by any means but I think I am going to enjoy telling the story along the way...